EP 60 - Create an environment of sharing and acknowledgment without fear
Updated: Sep 4, 2021
Today’s episode is all about working to create an environment in which you’re able to bring up sensitive topics and not have a blowout argument over it or get your head bit off, figuratively of course. Ha-ha! 😜
Let’s say you’re husband or boyfriend says something, does something, or doesn’t do something that is typically a hot button for you and your first thought is… ”Now he should know that pisses me off, why did he do that!?” 🤬 or…
Your girl says something that makes you think she’s insulting you “manhood.” 😡
Take a listen to this one and you’ll find out a great way to better handle these situations! 😀
I get into why you want this type of environment and how to do it based partially on a great book I recently finished: “I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships” by Michael S. Sorensen.
It’s a great read and Michael gives a good number of specific words to say from both the giver and receiver roles, which I know I can definitely benefit from. 😇😂🤣
Thanks for tuning in and please remember to LIKE, Subscribe, leave a comment, and let me know what you think of this episode, and share to help keep building stronger relationships throughout the world. 🌎🌍🌏
Remember, it only takes one conversation to level up your relationship!
Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎
Get the "I Hear You" book by Michael S. Sorensen right here.
Thanks for tuning in and please remember to LIKE, Subscribe, leave a comment and let me know what you think of this episode, and Share to help keep building stronger relationships throughout the world. 🌎🌍🌏
Remember, it only takes one conversation to level up your relationship!
Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎
Transcripts Below 👇👇👇
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1. Begin with my FREE eBook: How To 10X Your Relationship In One Conversation
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Hoodoo, hootdooteedoo, hooteedoo, hooteedoo...(Singing) Hey, you guys Tom with you here today, and have you ever kind of wondered what are some of the foundational skillsets that you gotta get ahold of or develop in order to have a great relationship? Of course, you have, or you wouldn't be here or you wouldn't be searching or you wouldn't be looking, you know, that kind of thing. So tonight, real quick, we're gonna talk about a few things. This is kind of a continuing theme this week of some stuff that I was gone through, working through with the team and that kind of thing, throughout the week, but just the influences coming into my life this week about the whole communication piece. And the first piece I want to talk about tonight is creating an environment in your household, in your relationship, such that you're creating.
And I've got notes here, obviously create an environment where you're creating trust and trust in the manner of not that you guys are going to be faithful to each other. That's very, very important, but an environment of trust that you can both communicate freely without fear of ridicule, without fear of explosiveness, those kinds of things. So how do you get there? Well, you be caring, kind, understanding patient with each other, empathetic with each other. Listen, really, truly listen to each other, give each other your presence, and give each other the time to speak. And we talked about before, you know, when you come home, she's probably going to need 20 minutes, or he's probably going to need 20 minutes to kind of vent about the day and the kids and those kinds of things. It depends on who's the stay-at-home parent. And you want to really embrace those times.
You want to be all in during those times and let your partner know that your time together, having these kinds of communication and dialogue is important to you so that you will continue to encourage them to want to talk to you want to speak with, you want to vent to you and want to trust that they can come to you with anything. I mean, it's great to do that during the easy times, right? But the real test is how you react, how you act and react during the times when the company was something a little tough, you know, about a life change that they're going through, or maybe a health issue, or, you know, just maybe they're in a rut and they need, they need you to help pull them up out of that. Now, having said that you can't, you can't expect your partner to heal you.
And the irony is, is that typically the people that we attract into our life are a match for how we're feeling or the things that we're going through in our lives, our mental energies that are going out there into the world. And sometimes those people we attract into our lives and we ended up falling in love with and have a relationship with really aren't the best match for us long-term. They're filling a void there, match, you know, they're how shall I say they are a match right? To the energy that you're putting out and it may not necessarily be the answer to what you need. And what I mean by this is if you're a person that's on a path of growth and sure this person may compliment the challenges that you're going through, but what happens when you grow through those challenges and they've helped you, I mean, there's, there's all different kinds of variables. So this stuff gets really deep, but you know, they, they can be the person that's helping you grow through that. But now that you've changed and they still have the mindset of they're being who they are. Right. And it was a matter of helping you get through whatever you're getting through. And now you're past that.
Then what? Well, you got to continue to heal thyself, physician, but maybe that's the time. Well, not maybe, but definitely the time where it's important to have that open, free communication and vulnerability of communication type atmosphere, to be able to come to each other and, and voice about how things are changing for you internally and mentally, physically, spiritually, these kinds of things. It all ties together. You have to foster the environment to allow free speech free, I know that's real political these days, but free speech and share, share without fear, be able to come to each other and share without fear. If you foster that then when the hard things come like, Hey, I'm changing. Hey, I want to, the kids are off to school. I want to go back to work. Or the kids are old enough. They're in school. I'm going to go back to work during the day. You know? And, and the other spouse is like, well, what about dinner? Who's going to be home to cook dinner for me when I get home, right. And that's real old close to us there. But you know that that's the importance of fostering that atmosphere of free speech and freely talking with each other and communicating and bonding in those areas. So the other piece to that is when you're talking and you're discussing, especially when you're discussing something that, you know, one of you has benefited or feelings hurt those kinds of things. You've to separate the facts or the feelings from the facts.
Because if you're dealing with the feelings, that's very, very hard to get through. If you can't separate your feelings, it's very, very hard to get through the situation because you're hurt and you're, you're, you're wounded, right? But if you keep focusing on that versus, "Hey, this is what happened." "This is how I feel about it." But this is what happened. "This is how I would like to see a change", or "This needs to change you can't do this again", kind of a thing, or "This behavior needs to change" "The way you speak to me needs to change." That's the things that you focus on the facts and the feelings will take care of themselves when the facts can be dealt with, and you can change those things. You can do whatever, do whatever you need to change. So that those facts that happened, don't become facts in the future.
Do you see what I'm saying? The change happens. It, it diffuses the hurt feelings because there can be now comfort in that, “Okay things are going to change. I can see the change is happening. I don't have to fear that that's going to happen anymore." And really that's the biggest challenge we have in relationships is fear. Fear of sharing, fear, being open, fear of being vulnerable, fear of negative reciprocity, a big word for this late in the day. And fear of change, fear of loss, fear of judgment. Those are all so many, you know, fear of ridicule, right? So many of those things are the ruin of so many great relationships.
So, guys, I want to jump back on the horse for this one for a little bit, ha-ha...jump back on the horse... And clarify a bit about what I was talking about before, which I, after I recorded this and sort of listened to it again, I thought yeah...I wasn't really clear. So I want to clarify about, you got to deal with the facts. Not so much the emotions. I muddied that up. Muddied, muddled, muddied, and muddled, but not muggled. Well, maybe it was my muggled. I don't know. So you got to deal with kind of the facts and the feelings differently. You definitely want to find out what are the actual facts of what happened, whether it's something that happened between you two, something, you did something she did, you know, get the facts of what actually happened. And you also want to acknowledge, listen, listen, empathetically, right?
And with empathy, you don't have to agree necessarily with the way they feel or why they feel the way they do. You may, it may be in your best interest. It just depends on; there are so many variables there again. And you're either, you're either on the recipient, right, of this, maybe venting or this giving feedback, or just, you know, giving somebody a chance to maybe it's a friend that just needs to be feel, um, maybe it's a friend that just needs to be heard, you know, about what's going on in their lives, but you want to acknowledge, you know, how they feel. You don't necessarily need to agree with why or how they feel, but say like, say like you said, something kind of flippant to your spouse and you know, the best way to approach these kinds of conversations. And I talk about this one, a couple of different times, a good way to approach something where you're upset about something your spouse did or didn't do or said, or didn't say is, is to come at it like something I learned from a website that I, that I listened to. I don't know what that article that I read and the way she approached it with her husband is like, "You know, honey, the story I've got going on in my head right now about why you did what you did is this." If I remember correctly, she caught it before she started really getting, just letting it get to her. She chose to deal with it quickly and say, "You know", so we'll just call him Bob, "Bob, the story I've got going on in my head right now about why you did what you just did right there is" XYZ. "And before I let it upset me, I wanted to see, do I have that right?" Or maybe, maybe I think I messed up. Not "before I let it upset me." Cause that's kind of like an ultimatum.
Like you better get this. Right. He better get this. Right. But just don't, don't assign emotion to it. Right? It's "The story I've got going on in my head right now about why you did what you did is this...Is that the way you meant it?" So you keep emotion out of it, right? You, you address it and don't let it fester, right and coming up with all these stories that come from your childhood from just like your subconscious about why they must have, because you'll get there, you'll get there. You'll get there in lickitty-split time sometimes. Like, and then you're enraged. And then you're in attack mode instead of okay, acknowledging this happened. And this is if you're the one being upset, acknowledge, okay, "Here's what happened. Here's how I'm interpreting. Here's a story I'm telling in my head about the facts. As I know them, let me see if that's what they meant."
Then you give that person the opportunity to go like, "Whoa, no, that's not how I meant that." But also it gives an opportunity of discovery that you know of like, "Okay, wow. Cause that kind of triggered me because of" this, this and this "in my childhood", you know, "that's kind of a button for me" that gives that person, the other person opportunity of going "Okay, well that's not how I meant it", but that doesn't matter how you meant it. Right. What you need to acknowledge is that that is a button for her. And she sensitive to that. Now that also gives her an opportunity and both of you kind of an opportunity of like you do it again. It's like, "Ooh, I'm sorry. I know that's a button for you. I'm working on it. I'm trying", right.
But the whole, so I feel statements or the, you know, I feel when you do this and I know it can kind of seem cheesy and clinical, but trust me, your, your subconscious, the amygdala is on guard. It's the whole fear and flight thing. It's real. You got, if you approach this language in and I recommend, I think I've mentioned it on the podcast before, but the book by, I got this book listed on my website. You can get it from my website, but by Michael S Sorensen, "I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships." It's really good. It's pretty short. And he, he really lays it out really well that's easily understood. You know, why? You know, like the first chapter is like, why you want to get good at this because you want to have a great relationship. You don't want to be attacked every time.
You'd. I mean, I think those guys probably do more things, harebrained things that get us in trouble than women. But ha-ha that's just my opinion, alright. So, you know, "I feel when you do this, it makes me feel this", but you know, separate the facts, knowledge, what happened, acknowledged that they, they feel this way. Then, you know, validate that emotion. "I understand this is how you feel" and you got to get good at that conversation too. Right? It's like, okay. "So what I hear you saying", and this is really the only time you want to use “you” statements, right? I feel statements not "You made me feel this way" because I mean, are you in charge of your emotions? Very often, that's not necessarily the case, right? Depending on how much work you've done.
A lot of triggers can trigger off that. And I, did I read, I think I read correctly the amygdala and that area, the brain is where the emotions come from and they just fire off man, those emotions. That's what you got to do this work. So I know I'm kind of rambling there, but listen empathetically, just to recap, separate the facts. What happened? Slow down. Don't go to attack mode. "Hey, you know, honey, when you do this, the story I got going on in my I head", or "When you did that, the story I got going on in my head." Yeah. I feel statements. Not you statements when you're, when you're asking about it, unless it's, you know, the response, right. It's like, okay. So "When I did that, if I understand you correctly when I did that, it makes you feel this way" or "it makes you think that way and that's a button for you."
Or that, "That hurts your feelings". And then really it gets back to Navy communications. Like the transmitter transmits the message, the receiver confirms the message by repeating it back. And then the transmitter says yes or no, that is correct. And then you go back and forth or okay, we're done. So, but another thing I like to take from this too, is when you, and why it's important to handle it quickly is because just like a grant Cardone and his, his wife, Elena does is, she's strategic? Like if it's a serious thing that they want to talk about and it could be emotional, she doesn't approach him with things that she wants to talk to him about that could, could be a little emotional or could, you know, could get the ruffles feathers, ruffles, feathered? Feathers, ruffled. She'll feed him first. Cause you feel better after you eat, right. You're generally in a better mood unless you got stuffed, but you're generally in a better mood and emotions are lower when you've ate. So it's a good time to eat no other distractions, you know, like maybe it's after dinner, you know, the kids are settled in whatever you guys got time to really focus on each other, no TV, no sports. You're focusing on each other to talk about the issue. Right. Okay.