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- Tom Pate
EP 61 - Really? They should just know?
Updated: Sep 4, 2021
Really? They should just know?
One of the worst unresolved expectations that cause frustrations in multiple areas of the relationship is "They should just know." 🤔😳😏
The main cause of this in my experience is twofold:
One person's "norm" is not the same as the other's ☝️ even though you may have a ton of things in common and didn't have any issues when you first started dating.
One or both of you may not have the communication skills or emotional maturity 😉 to dive into what your norms are and discuss hot buttons in a sane manner
In this episode, I dive into why we have those expectation and what to do when one of our buttons 🚀 are pushed that “they should just know pisses me off!”
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Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎
Tom
Transcripts Below 👇👇👇
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Transcripts:
EP 61 – Really? They should just know? - Transcript
(00:01):
Let me ask you a question. Have you, have you ever found yourself in a position of being offended and had in your mind that they, should just know it's just common sense that you don't say that to somebody? It's just kind of common sense! That everybody should know you don't talk about that kind of stuff.
(00:23):
I Had a situation come up in my life here recently, where that was an issue, not me, but just an experience that I was involved in. And as I was navigating through this I came to some great revelations that I thought applies not only office space, no pun intended, but also to the movie, but also in relationships. And I talked, you know, a few video episodes ago about how you shouldn't just assume they, your spouse, your partner, your life mate, that they should know how to love you, how you want to be loved. You shouldn't just assume that. The trap that we get into is that what's common sense for us. Like, and it really comes down to our definition of what a human being is of human beings should be. We don't think in these terms generally, but the right thing to do is this, this, this, and this 1, 2, 3, 4, treat people this way.
(01:30):
Don't treat people this way, work this way. Don't do this. Do that. You know, read your Bible every day, uh, to some people that's just a no brainer, but to other people, it's not for you to assume other people recognize what's in your head as common sense is common sense for everybody that's really just a huge ego that you need to check at the door. People can't know what your hot buttons are. So that's the title of don't assume that they know how not to piss you off. So you can't assume that people know what your hot buttons are. You can't assume that people you're making an out of you and you, you can't assume that people know how not to piss you off. Now, you can kind of assume that if you've had interactions where you've already been through some strifes and troubles, and they've said something and, you blew up, um, but if you hadn't had that kind of altercation or you haven't discussed certain situations like, "Hey guys, any comments about my wife is totally fucking off-limits."
(03:01):
Don't fucking go there because that is fucking sacred to me. Don't do it." If people don't know your hot button, you are a hypocrite. If you then get pissed off, because somebody says something there's a hot button to you, but you haven't explained to them, "Hey guys, this subject is off-limits to me." Whether it's race, whether it's gender, whether it's religion, politics, you know, if you both are just on the opposite spectrum of politics and there's just no middle ground and no chance of discussing that, that subject is off the table. But how do you even know if it's not even brought up for the discussion of "I'm really just, I," and really it's a failure on your own part. If you can't discuss a subject and there's a difference between statements made by the water cooler, right? And subjects for discussion people get together. I mean, I was talking about this with a few people here and, you know, guys get together and there are certain things that guys rib each other about manhood and this and that, your man car and this and that.
(04:15):
I'm not privy to a lot of women's discussion, but a lot of women that I have talked to is that you know, there's trash talk and there's talk about sex. There's talk about this and that and size and all that. And just all that other kind of stuff, right? I'm often told that girls a lot more naughty in their talks with each other than guys are with each their, each other. You know what I'm saying? But the point here is that you can't assume that somebody knows how not to piss you off. And why is that? So you get, so the benefit that I have of having a career in the Navy is that in the Navy, just like America, it's like a great melting pot on a ship, on a submarine, which I was on. Submarines have smaller crews, you know, a hundred and fifty, to a hundred fifty-five people.
(05:02):
And on carriers. I mean, you're talking about 4,500 to 5,000 people like a small city, but in these groups, you have a great melting pot of people, different dialects, different backgrounds, different classes, if you will, of income, those kinds of things, and different ideas, different thoughts, different ideologies, but they all have to come together to be one unit to make sure that the mission of this ship happens. And if people are constantly striving, not that fights don't happen or arguments don't happen or feelings and people don't get butt hurt on a ship, but you learn that people coming from different aspects of life have different ways of thinking, have different ways of looking at life, different mentalities, about money, about everything. And you have to figure out a way to coexist with each other and get the mission done. And it's the same thing in a relationship and an office environment in
(06:05):
that you're coming from different perspectives, different circles of influence, where in your circle, things are just not said, because they're sacred, right? You just don't say those kinds of things about people. You may jest with each other, about other people's family, other people's immediate family members. You don't jest about those things. You don't, I mean, other than a positive. And so here's the thing. So in my world, one of my buddies may say, dude, that girl you're dating is really, really hot. And I'm like, I know. I know, right!?. But to somebody else that could be disrespectful, but you don't know because in your world it's a compliment. Like, thanks, dude. Yeah, I know. Right. But in somebody else's world, It's like a threat an insult of, I intend to take that person away from you. I think she's hot. I mean, you read all into all this shit that goes on in your head.
(07:05):
So the point that I want to make tonight, I got all these notes here. People just don't know because you're all traveling in your own circles. They just don't know what your hot buttons are. They don't know what your sacred things are that are not to be discussed, are not to be kidded about, are not to be poked. And you know, guys and gals, when we're in our groups, we there's a certain, uh, poking if you will, of, of chastising of not chastising, but hazing of each other. Right. There's just a camaraderie. I mean, me and my buddy, we go hiking every weekend and there's, there's a certain amount of hazing that goes on between. I mean, it was just kind of a fun thing. Just it's maybe it's sick, but there's a certain amount of bantering back and forth that's just kind of a thing between us.
(07:54):
Right. And it just makes me laugh. Right. Because, but that's our perspective. That's our world. Somebody else hearing that conversation would be like, "you two are some sick fucks," right? But the point is that you can't assume that people know what your hot buttons are. You can't assume that people know what's going to piss you off. And so your, yes, your duty, your responsibility is if somebody says something to you or you hear something, say something, somebody says something about your family or you or somebody in your family or a subject that you find is a hot button for you. Maybe you didn't know that it was a hot button, but maybe you're having a bad day. And you're like, I'm going to, okay, we're going out in the parking lot is time to, you know, kick some ass. Your responsibility is not to blow up and go off-kilter and start making statements that are inflammatory about "You better not fuckin' say that again or I'm gonna take you out in the parking lot and kick your ass.
(09:02):
This person is probably going like, whoa, what I say in my circle, this is a normal kind of bantering. And you're whoa, what the hell? I mean, we're all kind of bantering back and forth. And now all of a sudden, there's this thing going on, where it's like, holy shit! HR is involved and all this kind of stuff, but your responsibility is of avoiding hypocrisy, right? Avoiding being a hypocrite is, or a, you know, get your ego out of the way is to approach the person. Hey, I mean, you're on a team, right? And most people on the same team, there's not a lot of, at least in my world. There's not a lot of people intentionally trying to push people down and salt people and demean people, and, you know, just thrash people, I'm just not surrounded by those kinds of people. It's all about the energy your putting out, but a segue, but I'm getting better.
(10:05):
So, squirrel! So your responsibility in those kinds of situations is to be the big person to not succumb, to fear, not succumb to anger. And why I say fear is because if you go approach somebody and say, "Hey, this is a vulnerability of mine. This is what I heard you say. And about me, about my spouse, about my kids," about whatever in your world that is not okay for people to talk about it is on you to go up and talk to them and say, "I know you probably didn't mean it, but this is the way the statement was taken by me." And I'm kind of paraphrasing, generalizing your own words, whatever. "But when I hear this, it inflamed me.
(10:49):
So I'm going to ask you not to talk about that in reference to me, or even in general," even kind of statements about, I mean, you know, there's feminists out there that any kind of statement, and it can get just kind of crazy legalistic, right? I mean, you can offend anybody by saying anything that can be totally benign by an I nine, 9.9 9 9, 9, 9, 9% of the world. But one person decides that I'm going to take offense to that. We're not talking about those kinds of people. We're talking about and, and you know, to those kinds of people, I say, get your head out of your ass and stop being a snowflake. I said it, there it's out.
(11:29):
But the point is is if you're offended by something, somebody says, especially when it comes close to heart approach, the people, the person with, "Hey, this was said, this is how I feel about it. This is how I took it. And I just want to let you know that it is a very big hot button for me. I'd really appreciate it if you don't talk about this in this way or say these kinds of things, because it really just, it's a, it's a sore spot for me."
(11:55):
Now, the fear of doing that, of going in and confronting somebody is your fear that there's going to be this backlash of "Well you did this! You said this, and fuck you!" right? Sure. There's a risk of that happening. But what you've done there is you given the olive branch and you don't want to be like, "Hey motherfucker! Don't say this shit again about my wife, because I will take you out in the office and kick your ass. I will come home and have a little bit of" whatever, right. Or come back to the office or whatever.
(12:25):
You don't want to approach it like that. And sure, you may get that backlash, but you extended the olive branch. You said, "Hey, I know you didn't mean to do this" and come and in an unalarming situation or an alarming kind of posture. Right. And attitude. "I know you probably didn't mean to say it this way, or you didn't know but this is a bad situation. There's a hotbed" yadda yadda yadda. What you do there is you inform you open things up and people don't want to be opened up that people don't want to be vulnerable because you think if you expose in some situations, this is true. You expose a vulnerability and the next thing you know, everybody in the room is teasing you about your vulnerability. I think in this day and age, most people like, "Oh, shit dude. I'm sorry. I didn't, I didn't even know.
(13:15):
You know, I was just kind of, I thought we were just kind of having fun. I Apologize. Let's hug it out." Right. Let's bro-hug it out and you know, fist bump or whatever and okay, Hey, we'll get it. Now. I know, you know, this is how, you know, we liked each other. Like, you know, I mean, you get what I'm getting at there. I think, right. That when we assume that people know what is our hot buttons and they should just know because, in your world, we don't talk about those things. We don't talk about those things because it pisses people off and it's a sensitive issue. You cannot assume that somebody else knows that about you and your world. You just can't. I mean, that's just the biggest ego in the world to assume you just, everybody knows your world and knows your hot buttons. So it's really just time to check your ego at the door and understand that nobody can read your fucking mind.
(14:14):
You know, and even if you've been working with somebody for years, you can't just assume that they know everything about you and all your hot buttons and your sensitivities and those kinds of things, but be the bigger person, be the man, be the woman and approach the person say, "Hey, again, this is my hot button. Please don't do it. This is why this", you know, just communicate. And what this really gets to is when we explode, when somebody says something and we explode, we forget the need to be caring, compassionate, understanding, and patient with each other. We see, you know, the absence of this is what happens is what's occurring. When we see road rage what's occurring. When we see violent reactions to what some people may see as a benign act or a benign statement, those kinds of things. But when we keep in mind to be caring, compassionate, understanding, and patient that people make mistakes, nobody is perfect.
(15:21):
We're all human. Then we can have that perspective and, tie this all to your relationship. Then, yeah, they may have fucked up in your mind, but in their mind, they didn't do anything wrong. So you've got to communicate why it is a “wrong” to you and your relationship and your perception of your relationship with this person so that they understand. So that we have an understanding between the two of us, the three of us the four of us. So we have an understanding of where each other is coming from. If we, if you don't give that person the opportunity to understand where you're coming from, how can you judge them? Because they can't read your mind. They can't understand where you're coming from and why it's important to you unless you are okay unless you have the ovaries or the balls to take up the mantle and go, not beat them over the head with it, but to go and olive branch [reaching out with my hand], right, take the mantle, the olive branch and go up and explain why it's an issue for you.
(16:25):
So hopefully that serves y'all tonight. Hopefully, that makes some sense. And I encourage you guys to continue to go out there and be loving kind patient and generous because that's what you need to do to build a relationship fitness. And you build relationship fitness and take your, your relationship to a higher level than you can enjoy and prosper and be fulfilled in and that leads to building a relationship legacy that you enjoy and your kids learn from and your grandkids learn from, and everybody else that experiences your relationship. So relationship fitness relationship legacy, it's important. Your example is important. Your actions, your words, your thoughts are all important. That's what I got for you. Tonight. Send people this way that can use this advice it's not just what I'm learning in my life and my relationships, but when I'm pulling from different sources, bringing together into one place so that you can get at least one, just one tip and get an idea that can help be the catalyst to change your relationship for the better, or just take it up a different notch and be more connected with each other. Let me know what you think. Let me know if any of this is helping you and any successes that you've had or lessons of your own, and you can share that other people can benefit from. Leave a comment below, and we'll see you next time. Bye-bye.